Under the bridge

she sent me a friend request
its been 30 years
we don't know each other
anymore
I hesitate
I haven't changed
not really
sure I've traveled
changed jobs
had a few relationships
bought a house
got a dog
and another
and another
but I'm the same
she's probably been married
had a few kids
she moved west

I lied
I'm not so worried
about her having changed
and me not so much
I don't know if she knows
should I ask her?
should I just leave it?
what if she asks?
what if she says something
about him?
Do I tell her
he jumped off a bridge
about 10 years ago
He made me hash one night
in the days when I still
ate meat
and we talked all night
he was reading The Stand
and joked that he hid it
under his bed
when he got to the scary parts
and I told him
under the bed was still scary
it would be better to hide it
in the freezer
so the scary parts
couldn't get him
like Joey did on Friends
when he was reading
Little Women and Beth...
we laughed
and I had no idea
that he had demons
I wish he'd put them
in the freezer
instead of taking them
to that bridge

so do I tell her
do I friend her
or should I
put the past
in the freezer

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

wet feet

I remember soggy socks crowded into tight boots
with a hole the size of a quarter
sucking in snow, slush, water
feet cold blue prunes
the socks are always dark so no one can tell
how wet they are though they may hear
the squish as I walk
change into my runners
still cold, still wet
the teacher mocks me
the runners have a dark plastic band
he says it looks like garbage bags
he doesn't know that we put our feet
in plastic bags before putting them in boots
but that doesn't stop the water coming in
he hates me because I told my mom
he called us pigs
because the girls in grade 5 left our
winter clothing in the bathroom
we had no lockers
and we had to wear dresses in those days
in Catholic school you weren't a girl
unless your knees showed
so we wore jeans under our dresses
and left them to dry
in the girls bathroom
which is where they were
when the folks from the school board
toured the school
why they went into the girls bathroom
I'm sure I don't know
so our teacher and principal
called us pigs
made us feel dirty and stupid
like we had a choice
and I told mom
I was furious and crying
They tell us what to wear, what to do, who to be
but they don't care if our feet are blue
and our jeans are wet
and we have no place to call our own
my mom called the principal
she told him off good
how dare he call her daughter a pig
and he'd better get us lockers
and a place to hang our jeans
no bare knees when its ten below
and she told him and the teacher
to apologize
so they hate me
and I hate them
my jeans hang in a locker
my feet stay wet all winter

(c)2018 by Catherine Elder

You hurt me

A dozen paper cuts
cutting lemon
salting the rim
where is the
tequila when you need it

insults slicing
sarcasm seeping
disparaging
when you're vulnerable

You're too sensitive
can't take a joke
stiff upper lip
until you choke

turn the other cheek
count to ten
just walk away
ignore them

Infected
and sour
a bewitching hour
a bleeding scream
a reverberating ache

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

Being Kind

Be nice
smile
if you don't have
anything nice to say
help people
volunteer
give back

turn the other cheek
not by insult omission
active commission
random acts
not just being polite

letting go of spite
no malice
or ill intent
no insult meant

no door mat
true kindness
friend of compassion
cousin of understanding
gentle strength of grace

being kind is not easy

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

Heavy

Do not pull me in

pull me down

where I sink

not swim

I will wallow

be consumed

in the depths

not the shallows

weeds of sorrow

wrap my limbs

holding me

forgotten tomorrow

escaping tear

cascades

throat constricts

no air here

darkened quicksand

molasses mud

smothering sadness

an empty hand

(C)2018 Catherine Elder

Haunt

I walk 

and leave no footprint

dust settles

I see in the darkness

what I missed in the light

thousands of choices

dozens of mistakes

misunderstandings

now made clear

the curtain billows

cobwebs in corners

musty smell in the air

knowledge too late

unfair

creaking floor

squeaking doors

places not visited

trips untaken

sunshine painting

worn woven rugs

highlighting age

tracks to nowhere

I cannot sit

nor rest

though I lay

ashes in a hearth

morphosis

mist on the horizon

ephemeral

and gone

(c) 2018 Catherine Elder

In case of emergency

take a flashlight

extra batteries

water

more water

a blanket

canned food

can opener

gas in car

dogs

dog food

warm clothes

first aid kit

extra bandaids

towels

soap

tooth paste

now all you need

a place to go

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

aging

first back pain

then eyes dimmed

hearing muffled

memory forgotten

digestion unstable

energy low

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

Anticipating the green light

I saw the streetcar heading north up Bathurst

bringing people to the station after a long day’s work

I saw the cyclist speeding along, head down

the streetcar didn’t slow

coming to the light

if he ran the yellow

they’d get to the station on time

the cyclist didn’t slow

heading east on Bloor

trying to get home

anticipating the green

I watched helplessly

looking back and forth

projecting their paths

they were going to hit

the world slowed

the cyclist almost made it

the streetcar gripped the tire

twisted the medal

ground it on the tracks

the world stopped

cars halted

no one moved

a heart beat

someone yelled

call 911

released from shock

I ran back into my apartment

dialled 911

said there’s been an accident

at Bathurst and Bloor

She asked where

I stared at the phone

did she not hear

In the intersection

at Bathurst and Bloor

I run back out side

the ambulance has arrived

I hear yelping

the cyclist is being pulled

from in front of the streetcar

the tangled bike

discarded uselessly

the streetcar ran the yellow

the cyclist anticipated the green

they both forgot

what the red light was for

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

It's funny what you find...

It's funny what you find
In the back of your cupboard
a tin can with no label
Why? But I hear you say, there are people starving in Africa,
you grew up during the depression
And maybe you looked forward to the surprise,
beans or peaches

It's funny what you find
In the back of your closet
a black sexy evening gown in moth balls,
the price tag still on it
waiting for a special occasion that never came

It's funny what you find
In the depth of your underwear drawer
the gold filigree earrings
that you never let me wear
You never said who gave them to you, not father

I hated you for a while after you said
sister was the artist and you supposed I was the better cook
labeling and denying me my creativity
you forgot how you used to pull the labels off the apple juice cans
so I could use the paper to draw on

I used to hide in the back of the armoire in the basement
I felt so small and no one came looking
until someone broke the mirror
I guess tired of looking at themselves
or was that me?

You had more faith in that tin can
more hope in that dress
more love for those earrings

I shoved my love for you deep in a drawer and covered it with mothballs
now its too late to bring it out
I wore the black sexy evening gown and gold filigree earrings to your funeral
I threw out the damn tin can

(c)2018 Catherine Elder

the last time

I didn't know
the last time
was the last time
I would've did things differently

I would've hugged more
loved more
been more kind
I would've been more patient
more understanding
I wouldn't mind
I would've let go the small things
enjoyed the important things
and just let it go
I would've paid more attention
noticed any preference
let love show

but the last time
was the last time
and I still see you there
if I could wind back the clock
backwards walk
everything I'd share

but the last time
was the last time
and I didn't know
its so cruel
we're all such fools
to waste a minute
when we have love
to lose love
is to lose part of your soul
so you'll never be whole

because when the last time
is the last time
you want to pray
for another day
to be better, kinder
one more time

By Catherine Elder

Don't call it love

Don't call it love
unless you miss them
always want to kiss them
feel their heart beat
and their cold feet
when you go to sleep

when you can't go a day
thinking of all the things you want to say
holding their hand
is a way to understand
you're connected
more than just lovers

so many people say love
like its pulling on a glove
like an after dinner mint they get for free
and they slip it off to discard
when it all gets too hard
because they think it should be easy

Don't call it love
unless you stop breathing
your chest heaving
when you see them across the room
and know they're yours
like landing on shores
after being adrift at sea
knowing you can be
safe on solid ground
with the best friend you found
the one you'd die for
the one you're more for

(c)2018 By Catherine Elder

Home

Home

isn’t four walls and a roof

I have proof

you may need to roam

a box

gives shelter not much

you stay out of touch

no locks

slamming doors

fist through walls

screaming soars

someone falls

neighbours look away

they’ve heard it before

too poor they stay

they can’t take any more

Home is just a word

unless you feel safe

seems absurd

so many mistakes

Home is two arms to hold 

someone to care

get you out of the cold

and share

a man’s home is his castle

where he is king

but what does it bring

a roof and four walls

a woman’s home is her work

cleaning and chores

mundane bore

a door to shut

home is where the heart is

but what if the heart beat

is like the slap of feet

alone on the street

(c) 2018 by Catherine Elder

Princess Fairytale

Princess pink

what do you think

a white knight

is Mr. Right

to be his wife

for your life

what will you do

he’ll save you

from the mundane

schedule pain

routine boredom

suburban kingdom

happy is a moment

not a destination

nor a nation

not a permanent state

but neither is hate

fleeting emotion

face lotion

just smile

for a while

so no one worries

everyone scurries

ever after

if only laughter

else its sadness

a bit of madness

get in the routine 

daily scene

it ain’t no fairytale

eat your kale

save your self

you’ve hidden wealth

take off the tiara

(c)2018 by Catherine Elder

Shed your demons

Shed your demons

let them burn

in the flames of memory

you can relearn

set your confidence

on fire

be your best you

reach your desires

its not real

its all in your mind

you’ve got to

leave it behind

create a new

landscape

forgive yourself

all your mistakes

you’re not thin

enough

you’re not smart 

enough

you’re not pretty

enough

you’re not good 

enough

it’s all in your head

don’t listen to what it said

you can think clearer

be your own superhero

be good to your self

for your own mental health

make the choice

to have a positive voice

let go of negative

its your prerogative

start by being kind

in your own mind

(c)2018 by Catherine Elder