Reflect

I don’t look in mirrors

not really

when I put my makeup on

I just look at the relevant piece

my cheeks for blush

my eyes for shadow and liner

my lips for lining and filling in

disconnected

they are just pieces of my face

oh and the parting for my hair

I rush by the full length mirror

because that can not be me

my mother was the same

that is not to say

that I don’t reflect

I’m not a ghost

or a vampire

I can have deep thoughts

and wonder why

I am the way I am

I never liked my face

or my body

or my life, not really

I always thought

it should be different

I would joke, if you asked

that I should have been

a tall blonde

pretty, sure that too

and slender

and athletic

I am disconnected

My face is too round

and my body is now

competing to match it

no one warned me

that after 30 the pounds stay

and compound

and exponentially grow

so that when you walk by

a shop window

you wonder who that fat woman is

it can’t be 

I am disconnected

and selfies - forget about it

I didn’t know

no one told me

that I was suppose to have a plan

I just thought well that things would happen

I would get a job

fall in love

maybe get married

though I am not the white wedding dress

three tiered cake

five maids of honour

type of woman

and I never wanted kids

I saw what that did to my mother

a slave to the house

a servant to everyone in it

no dreams, no life left

but I thought there’d be someone

and a house

sure a car

definitely a dog

I didn’t realize while I was waiting

life happened

and others had plans

I can eat

its something I know how to do

to feel full

and not empty

to fill in the time

between being alone

and being with someone

I can eat

nibble, have a bite

graze, snack, empty the fridge

I don’t plan it

it just happens

so no, I don’t look in the mirror

I don’t want to see

what I have to reflect

the pain and sorrow

the loneliness

the loss and self doubt

that eats at me

and oh joy the grey hair

and wrinkles

and yes, age spots

I say they are freckles compounded

I don’t need your judgment

or for that matter my own

mockery or sarcasm

the “why don’t you just”

leave me alone

I am alone

I am more than my pieces

my eyes

my cheeks

my lips

my belly

I am more than what anyone sees

and sometimes I surprise myself

with epiphanies

and wisdom

I should plan more

love more

laugh more

reflect

but I really don’t need

to look in the mirror

for any of that

(c) 2022 by Cat Elder