Reflect

I don’t look in mirrors

not really

when I put my makeup on

I just look at the relevant piece

my cheeks for blush

my eyes for shadow and liner

my lips for lining and filling in

disconnected

they are just pieces of my face

oh and the parting for my hair

I rush by the full length mirror

because that can not be me

my mother was the same

that is not to say

that I don’t reflect

I’m not a ghost

or a vampire

I can have deep thoughts

and wonder why

I am the way I am

I never liked my face

or my body

or my life, not really

I always thought

it should be different

I would joke, if you asked

that I should have been

a tall blonde

pretty, sure that too

and slender

and athletic

I am disconnected

My face is too round

and my body is now

competing to match it

no one warned me

that after 30 the pounds stay

and compound

and exponentially grow

so that when you walk by

a shop window

you wonder who that fat woman is

it can’t be 

I am disconnected

and selfies - forget about it

I didn’t know

no one told me

that I was suppose to have a plan

I just thought well that things would happen

I would get a job

fall in love

maybe get married

though I am not the white wedding dress

three tiered cake

five maids of honour

type of woman

and I never wanted kids

I saw what that did to my mother

a slave to the house

a servant to everyone in it

no dreams, no life left

but I thought there’d be someone

and a house

sure a car

definitely a dog

I didn’t realize while I was waiting

life happened

and others had plans

I can eat

its something I know how to do

to feel full

and not empty

to fill in the time

between being alone

and being with someone

I can eat

nibble, have a bite

graze, snack, empty the fridge

I don’t plan it

it just happens

so no, I don’t look in the mirror

I don’t want to see

what I have to reflect

the pain and sorrow

the loneliness

the loss and self doubt

that eats at me

and oh joy the grey hair

and wrinkles

and yes, age spots

I say they are freckles compounded

I don’t need your judgment

or for that matter my own

mockery or sarcasm

the “why don’t you just”

leave me alone

I am alone

I am more than my pieces

my eyes

my cheeks

my lips

my belly

I am more than what anyone sees

and sometimes I surprise myself

with epiphanies

and wisdom

I should plan more

love more

laugh more

reflect

but I really don’t need

to look in the mirror

for any of that

(c) 2022 by Cat Elder

Sustainable Earth

Sustainability is bandied about 

like it is a new concept

a new promise

to be broken

like a hundred treaties

or government bills

to transform to change

an empty commitment

to the future

and a generation to come

that isn’t here yet

to hold accountable

the promise

with no substance

double speak

to recycle rather than

develop that which is biodegradable

and doesn’t require recycling to salvage

its value in relation to everything else

sustain

maintain

contain

refrain

fain

detain

slain

wane

pain

again

insane to do the same

and expect different results

the lie

the promise

the polar bears have heard it all

as they swim to further shores

drown as they starve

and their population declines

fires rage and forests die

the grounds collapse

as eagles cry

and deserts are born

as the wind blows

modified corn

they found whale bones

in the desert

dinosaur skeletons in rock

cave drawings of animals

once sacred

and when the old growth

of red cedars and sequoias and palm

are gone to make paper

but we proudly say we recycle

can we stand in the shade

instead of stopping deforestation

we plant trees that will take twenty years to grow

and will never catch up

to decarbon like their felled brothers

we will not stop

creating excess carbon

rather lets invent ways to take carbon

out of the air

and store it

we will not give up

our oil, gas and coal

waiting for electric cars

while oil sands are ripped from the earth

we consume more

and waste more

we do not cry

as the whale, dolphin and shark

fill up on plastic waste

The Great Pacific Garbage Patch

Is not a travel destination

micro plastics in the water

then in the fish

and the food chain

in us

plastic bottles for water filled with plastic

and the indigenous peoples

have no clean water

while large corporations

bottle water for free

shall our tears

feed the wells

of broken promises

before the desserts

expand as the graveyard

of the trees

sacrificed for progress

The Paris Agreement

The Kyoto Accord

oil prices soar

as Russia wars

sanctions do not prevent death

destruction does not promote life

Plastic wraps around the seals throat

and chokes it til it drowns

Birds tangle in discarded masks

of a pandemic

we grow tired of

the promises are broken

the plastics have won

we sustain the greed

the wealth

the plastics

and in so doing

let the polar bear disappear

let the seal choke

let the whale, dophin and shark drown

the indigenous people thirst

float islands of plastic

drink micro plastics

and when we die

we will be sustained

by all the plastic

we consume

footprints of carbon

stamped across the earth, the air, the seas

commit to the minimum

make long term plans

so there is no accountability

for current government terms

in office

and breaking them

is someone elses problem

the youth of today

have a lot to be accountable for

we will have our needs met

future generations can adjust their needs

Put some polar bears in zoos

whales, dolphins and sharks too

stuff some seals for the musem

Tell the indigenous you’re sorry

use more oil, gas and coal

sell islands of plastic as resorts

call it recycling 

have more meetings online

but don’t stop flying

it averages out

commit to sustaining

your way of life

for to change

would be too hard

let the next generation

do it

we have a lifestyle

to sustain

the earth to consume

(c)2022 Catherine Elder

Not invited

 I feel like crying

You made me feel this way

All the childhood hurts

swamped me til I was drowning

You came uninvited

with someone

so to manipulate the situation

I could not be rude

so I served you coffee

You served me insult

You complained of the dogs

who just wanted attention

and love

like I did when I was naive

enough to think that there was

a chance family would give me

attention and love

You spurned them

as me

You did not care

that I did not want you there

purposely didn't give you my address

didn't invite you

couldn't wait for you to leave

You didn't know the dogs names

even the ten year old

You haven't heard me for over ten years

You haven't heard me ever

You look around as if to tally

the value to you

not happy for me

looking for what is in it for you

but I know you

better than you know me

I do not want you here

but I feel violated

invaded

my sanctuary breached

I will lock my door

let the dogs roam

you will not cross the threshold

to deliver more hurt

You caught me by surprise

but I won't be fooled twice

and I won't be hurt again

You are not welcome here

@2022 - March 19 By Catherine Elder

You know nothing

 You know nothing

You can look at her and see an old woman

yet old for you is over thirty

very old then

In your youth

You have the things you look forward to

getting your license

being able to drink alchol without fake ID

leaving the wasteland of high school 

starting a life

having your own place

going to college

travelling

sex

falling in love

being your own person

not having your parents’ rules

You know nothing

You talk of your grandmother

maybe with affection

certainly with condescension

she doesn’t know technology, scandalous

You ungrateful snot

she wore day dresses, thin cotton, almost transparent

cheap and shapeless

they were all she could afford

if the kids were to eat

they hid her sexuality and her dreams

her hands are wrinkled and chapped

from washing dishes and washing clothes

there were no machines

she traveled once and has photos in an album

you laugh at her and say everything is digital now

instead of wondering how she managed to save

money to take a bus across the country

how she dreamed of seeing the world

and dancing the night away

of being free to be herself

No, she does not know your technology

she doesn’t want to learn

she is tired and her back aches

she wonders when it will be her turn

to be her own person

(c)2022 By Catherine Elder

At 6 a.m.

It is dark even with the street lights

sometimes the moon holds its place

waiting for the sun to replace her

or like a bright shadow rise

men sit on their coolers

waiting for their rides

to a construction site

white vans pull up and absorb them

and they reverse the process at night

The dogs need walking

so we walk up and down the streets

watching as lights come on

and cars drive by very fast

since there is nothing to stop them

You can hear the wind

a barking dog in the distance

car doors slamming

its too early for the birds

someone walking quickly

The day is beginning

and the sun starts to rise

coffee is brewing

as people open their eyes

and snooze the alarm for five more minutes

(C)2021-22 Catherine Elder

betrayed

in the end its my fault

for believing

you could be something you're not

I had an idealized view

that sisters helped each other

supported each other

told secrets and truths

had each other's best interest

had each other's back

but it was a fantasy

I see that now

you are so busy pushing 

everyone away

so you get your way

get your money

you don't care who you hurt

throw tantrums

act like a child

mean spirited

rude and selfish

resentful and insecure and jealous

there is no love there

there never was

so no love lost

it's my fault

I see that now

for ever believing

in the fantasy

that you could be

a loving sister

(c)2021 by Catherine Elder

I didn't cry today

I didn't cry today

I held it in

held it back

I felt sad

a swelling inside

an ache

a fogginess

disconnected

restless

I couldn't settle

but I didn't cry

my heart aches

my lips and thoughts

pull downward

I felt sad

a bit lost

but I didn't cry

I didn't cry

... I lied

(c)2021 by Catherine Elder